Sometimes i have thoughts like these:
for now I can think that I have some strange anonymous importance to every person…but I know one day my skin will sag I will have grandchildren and I will be reduced to being written off by secret narcissists like me. I will be an event one afternoon and people who are free from self-awareness might be haunted by the strange fact that something so seemingly endless as a person can vanish forever from the earth? But I will be gone and there will be green felt on the folding metal chairs. The tent poles have been hammered into the ground for a thousand other dead men like me…it’s a business it’s like a latte…we are a disappearing deceptive triviality passing our days…i can fight it I can deny the sickness when it comes and the fat when it gathers around my midsection my chin when it begins to sag….but I will be just a grandpa a novelty if I’m lucky…I will move to the shoulder while others speed by because the world isn’t mine anymore. One of millions one of millions millions millions who lives and goes away. And the world will not shudder and people will scarcely blink at it…they won’t even blink!
No more lies about me, I will be ashes soon soon I will be forgotten I will breath my last and make room for another to pass his days in turmoil and wonder and vanity. A pebble dropping into a glassy water but making no ripples… My face is melting, my hair is thinning, my knees betray me, my colon stops and my organs find a reason to rot inside me, and a senselessly determined foe claims me while the young ones pretend I’m not there. I’m pretending.
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3 comments:
great words Ryan, although it does make me feel a bit depressed haha in that its true- ashes to ashes, but does that not mean that I can't do anything worth decaying for? The cares are driving by, yeah, maybe the least I could manage to do with my life is just throw myself out into the middle of the million lane highway and cause the worlds largest traffic jam. Could I at least do that?
ashes and dust... like grass that withers and is gone from the earth... a vapor... such is the reality of our existence. but it is not depressing, it is real, it is solid... death is not our foe; it is our brother and our sister and our friend, and it comes to all of us. death brings us to our inevitable end - the end of the reality in which we, in and of ourselves, are able to live and think and sing. but our end is not THE end... indeed it is only the faintest glimpse of what really is... so dust and ashes, yes, yet greatly loved! ...and it is through this experience and scope of what is true reality that we can look into another and see the depths of God.
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